Me? A Vulnerability Advocate?
I have attempted to write this post multiple times this week, but every time I set down with my laptop to begin the story… I don’t know where to start. Being open and vulnerable on a platform as large as the world wide web is a difficult thing for me. Actually, being open and vulnerable to anyone outside of my immediate family doesn’t come easily for me. I don’t like being perceived as weak, when I was young, I prided myself on having no fears (I have developed some really irrational ones as I’ve grown… don’t ask) so when I am feeling weak, I hide it, because I want to be a strong woman. When I feel like I need to cry I fight it, because I want to be a strong woman. I want to be independent and fun and lovable and perfect. Don’t we all? But today, I decided that I was going about this the wrong way. As I watched the people around me proudly announcing themselves as vulnerability advocates and vowing to put the real them online for all to see, warts and all, I decided I would jump on the band wagon.
I have been on a roller-coaster of emotions these past few months. I’ve been holding onto my business of 5 years even though I knew I shouldn’t be. I’m unsure if it was stubbornness or fear making me hold on so tightly, but last week I pulled the pin and announced its closure to my loyal followers. At first I was sad as it felt like 5 years of work down the drain, then I was excited for the new chapter that was to come… aaaand I’ve been fluctuating between those two emotions every day since. In reality, I’m worried I’m not cut out for the ‘real world’ and so my anxiety is through the roof and showing no signs of letting up, but at the same time I’m excited because now there are so many possibilities. I can get out of the house more, meet new people, and get out of debt! I never know which side of this fence I’m going to wake up on, and although this morning I woke up full of positivity, as the day went on the cat snuck out of the front door, an important phone call kept dropping out, my dog was being extra clingy because she could tell I was stressed, and although I would usually take these small things in my stride, the negative spiral began. I had so much to do today, and all I did for the first half of it, was sit on the couch and wallow in self-pity. I felt like I was letting myself and everyone around me down by not being better, by not having a good job, and not being better at keeping up the house work, and walking the dog, and literally every little think I could think of that I’m not perfect at… which was well… everything, because I’m only human! I blamed the messy house on the animals that I love so much and wished we didn’t have them, I blamed the lady on the other end of the phone for not being able to hear me clearly even though I know we have bad reception in our house, I got angry at the cat for running out the door because he knows he’s not allowed outside and I got frustrated at my dog for tripping me over when she was only trying to lovingly offer her support… and as I sat there in silence wondering why my life can’t just be easier and blaming everyone else for my problems.… I realised that sitting here wallowing and making excuses isn’t going to improve my situation, if I want to be better, I have to keep trying. I haven’t failed until I stop trying. So I pulled up my big girl panties, apologised to and thanked my puppy for loving me even when I’m in a bad mood.. and I got to work. I applied for a hand full of jobs online, pulled out the Japanese textbooks that I haven’t touched in months, re-arranged the house a little (because even small change makes me feel 100x better), and then decided that while I’m in job limbo, I may as well make the most of it and take my blogging to the next level…. and that led to me buying a whole heaps of videography gear to start making videos. No, it wasn’t retail therapy… I don’t think…
The idea of making videos is an incredibly daunting one for me, I’ve never been good at public speaking, I even struggle to practice speeches or run lines with my husband when he has an acting gig at work because I feel like I’m making a complete idiot of myself. I tried and tried today to make my first video and I was too embarrassed to even try speaking more than two words AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE HOME! *face palm* I was ready to just give up on the idea, but then I sat down and looked at these photos. These photos were taken a few weeks back when I was invited to be a model for a day as a favour to a friend of mine. My long red hair was just the look she was after, and much unlike my usually reserved and unwilling to step outside of my comfort zone self, I said yes. I spent the day inside the gorgeous George Hotel decorated with beautiful floral arrangements from The Refined Bloom Co, modelled these gorgeous dresses from Soho Bride on a stunning peacock chair from Ooh La Lemonade, had my hair and make up done by a professional team (Hair Republic Ballarat and Bandco Beauty), wore pieces of jewellery from Gems and Jewels that I never dreamed I’d get to wear, and I, awkward little me, modelled alongside two incredibly gorgeous professional models for an entire day.
The night before I had considered backing out of the shoot because my anxiety was putting forward a really good argument for me to do so.
”The other girls are going to be so tall, I’ll look so stupid next to them”
”I have no idea what I’m doing, what if I ruin all their photos because I don’t know what I’m doing?”
All the way up until I arrived at the venue I was still considering backing out. I walked into the venue and stood quietly and awkwardly as the room filled up with total strangers. I was SOOO far out of my comfort zone, but do you know what… after I gave my nerves time to settle and forced my shaky little voice into a couple of conversations. I had the BEST day! Everyone was lovely and so supportive, and who doesn’t love getting showered with compliments for 6 hours straight! So these photos now stand as my reminder that I need to keep pushing outside of my comfort zone in order to grow, and if I want to feel like a strong and independent women, this is how I do it! Because nothing feels more bad ass than when you’ve faced a fear head on and conquered it. And you’re never going to get anywhere in life if you refuse to put yourself out there and take risks! I want to be a dessert vlogger, so I’m going to make it happen, even if it means putting a handful of cringe-worthy videos on the internet before I get the hang of it. *long exhale* I’ve got this!